how i use to torment my mother

I am wiped today. Like not its Tuesday wiped like wiped I got in at 1.40 am and stayed up until 3 am and got a shit-tac-ular fucking night sleep in a stinky armpit, tossed and turned all night, then accidently woke up an hour early thinking I was running late wiped. I tossed my ass back into bed for another hour then slumped my way into the shower and carried on with my regular morning routine.

On the MBTA this morning I saw a younger girl about 14 dressed like a goth street hooker. Heavy black eyeliner, super short shorts, black tee-shirt with rips, neon fish net stockings, a gazillion necklaces, a side slung bag, obnoxious cow chomping on gum sound emitting from her pie hole. If I dressed like or was seen in public like that I think Kathleen would have murdered me. Then I got to thinking about all the crap I put Kathleen through in my teenage years.

Dying my hair Clarie Dane’s my so-called life maroon, pierced my own ears at work, used brace elastics to move my two front teeth together even though I didn’t have nor need braces, insisting that the only car i ever wanted was a teal green geo tracker with pink pinstripe, powerpuff girl seat covers and furry steering wheel that was standard even though i had no-fucking-clue how to drive stick, would only bring bread and yogurt butter sandwiches for lunch, swearing up and down she tried to ruin my life on purpose, would only wear the same pair of jeans every day, stole her bra before she let me buy my own, convincing her i needed to shave my legs in the 5th grade, picking my nose and hiding it under my bed then blaming it on my brother, dressing up my brother in make-up (hi jon!), hiding clothes and wrappers under my bean bag chair because i was too lazy to throw them in my trash barrel,  demanding that i *had* to walk to 7-11 at 10pm because everyone else was there, putting actually kahula in my coffee coolata from dunkin donuts and telling her it was the kahula flavored one!, driving my friend’s car even though i only had my permit, joining the flag squad just so we could hang in the auditorium way late and make out in the rafters, having to have a pager because my life depended on it, and generally hating her for every second of my life.

My poor mother, how did she ever put up with me? Free child-care. That explains why I am still alive.

Chocolate Tour, A ‘more? No thanks.

I got invited to go to an awesome chocolate tour at the last-minute on Saturday. http://bostonchocolatetours.com/  Naturally I enlisted help from the blondetourage. Shan was my date. I should have know that making an impression would be accomplished, just not the type I was hoping for. I met Shan at Godiva in Faneuil Hall and of course I was late, per usual. We started here and ate the most delicious truffles. We also found out how Godiva got their logo and the true meaning of peeping tom. It has to do with taxes and a naked woman with blonde hair. My kind of story; no, I’m not a lesbian. After half an hour here we were already in a chocolate coma and Shan fell out of the store trying to leave. Literally. Fell. Out. Of. The. Store. Strike 1.

We then moved to wagamama and had perfectly delectable chocolate cake. Next up was Sprinkles where we had their most chocolately chocolate ice cream topped with their homemade hot fudge. Then was onto Sprinkles sister shop where we had different chocolate baked treats, cookies and chocolate covered macaroons. My Papa would have loved them.

We started our walk over to the north end to partake in the second half of the tour. The woman walking behind Shan quietly pulled her aside to let her know that the umbrella she was carrying just in case it started to rain was in fact hiking up her dress exposing her buttock to all of the tourist and members of the tour walking behind her. Strike 2. At this point our guide decided it was a good time to take a break along the Rose Kennedy Greenway http://www.rosekennedygreenway.org/. I went to sit down on a stone bench and fell. It was far lower to the ground then I suspected. Strike 3. So Shan is flashing her ass and I can’t sit down. Our tour guide at this point actually asked us if we were sisters or at least related. No ma’am unfortunately not. If we were Siamese twins I would cry for our liver.

We finally pulled ourselves together and moved on to the second part of our tour which included three bakeries where we consumed chocolate covered gummi bears, chocolate cupcakes, chocolate cream frosting, and fudge at lulus’ http://www.yelp.com/biz/lulus-bake-shoppe-boston, lyndells http://lyndells.com/, marias http://www.northendboston.com/marias/. The tour commenced and Shan and I rolled ourselves to the bar.

Where did you expect us to go?

While we were stuffing our already too fat dresses with mojitos, dirty martinis extra dirty and spinach and artichoke dip we saw our tour guides who thanked us for one of the more memorable tours they have conducted.

So I guess we did make an impression, exactly as planned.

As we are giggling away an elderly man who looked like he escaped from fraggle rock stopped at our table. He pushed a piece of crumbled up dirty notepad paper into my hand and said call me Monday sweet heart and as I tried to shove the paper back into his hand he scrambled away squawking “I’ll make it worth your while”. Really, FRANK you will? Because I am sure your 70-year-old ass can’t, go home, write-up some more pieces of paper with your phone number already on them and find some other hookers to sass with your “I’ll make it worth your while” attitude. Thanks for playing.

Really, how do I attract these people?

Yes, we plan our facebook stance in a group

4 blondes: noitsyou, linds, shan and JM. One ex boyfriend: Rhymes with odd.

odd:  is noitsyou hot
 Sent at 1:57 PM on Friday
 shan:  noitsyou who? what are you talking about?
 odd:  you and linds friend
 shan:  how do you know about noitsme?
 Sent at 2:04 PM on Friday
 shan:  creeeeeepy
 odd:  (creepy smiley face)
 shan:  no but really. explain yourself

Responses that ensued.

JM:Tell him to get a hobby.

shan: I am literally creeped out right now. what a freak.

Linds: Seriously….does he have to be such a DIRT BAG?! I’m with JM..tell him to get a hobby and to stop facebook talking our pages

noitsyou: Is this your first or second ex husband? I always get them confused.

shan: NO! thats the best part! he DELETED ME!

Linds: So he is stalking through my page… should I limit profile him or block him?

JM: That means he can still see your pics! Make them private to your friends only!!!

noitsyou: He deleted you and he is stalking me. Why didn’t you keep him?

shan: Whatever, I think its hilarious….. what is wrong with him???

noitsyou: I love stalkers, I always find them funny.

linds: This is the second guy to stalk you from my facebook page…. serrrriously

noitsyou: Why do stalkers flock to me? Two guys from facebook. That guy in NY on the first night and that freak and his pal from tighttight or justmarried.com?

shan: you just have that stalker sec appeal i guess!

noitsyou: I  just always attract the weirdos. Like mosquitoes to oily Italians.

I think now I understand why I am 27 and still live at home with my parents. Is it martini time yet?

The day I crossed the line.

Here in Boston there are Dunkin Donuts on every corner. Literally every. If you ain’t drinking Dunkin’ you ain’t from Boston; except for when you are drinking Starbucks. I love their Americanos with the soy milk cold on the side. I wasnt a fan when they switched soy milks. The new one tastes a little funky. Nothing I can’t cover up with a little bit of sweet n’ low (yes mom I know it causes cancer) and chocolate powder.

So, Dunkin’ donuts. All across the Northeast DD is being protested by their drivers. Not enough pay, not enough hours, not enough donuts. I am sure their cause is great. But when the bottomless pit that is my stomach starts growling I will cross your picket line. Shocker.

I trudge to the elevators and head outside and am overpowered by their music and large in charge man on the megaphone. Come hell or high water I am getting my egg and cheese croissant. I start attempt to cross their 3 person deep line and I am bombarded with hot sweaty men begging me not to go in. 

“Dunks is closed.” “Only Starbucks today!” “There is a restaurant down the street”.

No thanks.

“Come on sweetie just for today”

I don’t see you rolling out of bed to make me breakfast.

I went in, was greeted with smiles, got my delicious sandwich which was hot and toasty. Upon leaving a large hippo like woman was in my way on the sidewalk. I tried to step around her. She moved her dress suit clad body into my way again. Again I tried to step around her. The broad tried to trip me! So I looked the deadly beast in her eye raised my manicured hand and said :

“That was rude of you. I’m eating here everyday this week.”

I was too busy walking away to hear Hippos reaction. It sounded like a groan or a grunt but it could have been her legs collapsing from all the bodily movements she just put herself through. See you tomorrow; that is if you don’t go into cardiac arrest in a mere matter of minutes.

Phone Calls From my Mother

:: setting: work; caller id informs me right off the bat it’s my mother::

“Ya?”

“Two words for you. Plastic Applicators.”

“Okay, what about them?”

“Kurt is going to murder you.”

” He always wants to kill me. How is this any different than any other day?”

“He called the septic tank guy to come and empty the tank. Guess what they found.”

“You already gave away the answer.”

“Plastic Applicators. HUNDREDS OF THEM.”

“How do you know they were mine?”

“They weren’t mine, the obviously werent Kurts or your brothers that I know of. Brie isnt at the point yet. That leaves only one person.”

“Jons girlfriend. That bitch.”

“Wrong. You do it again and I am going to ring your neck.”

“No one told me we had septic!”

“You have lived here for 6 years. How did you not know?”

“Um, so no applicators at all or just no plastic ones?” 

“Good-bye Kaitlin”